What I now know

I was the talkative, politely inquisitive little lady as a child, safe in her happy bubble of innocence.

Somewhere along the way I lost that and morphed into a sullen teenager with homemade bangs and a candle to Daria Morgendorffer, desperate to prove her individuality and find something to be angsty about.

And then my twenties arrived ... and I learned more about myself in the ensuing six years than I did my entire lifetime.

I know it's customary in these 'A Thousand Gifts' posts to count about 10-20 things in your ever-growing list. But I want to start with one big thank you (#205).

I am thankful that I am finally learning to be me.

Not that I spent my childhood and young adulthood as an imposter. But I wasted so much time looking at other people's lives.

Trying to keep up. 

Comparing. 

Despairing. 

And it was hard work. Sometimes I was literally exhausted from trying to fashion a life out of thousands of others. It was like making the biggest patchwork quilt in the world by hand, all. By. Myself. 

Turns out I could only do it for so long. There came a time when I had to let go and let God. When I had to look into the mirror and face it. This is me. It wasn't easy. In fact, it's still a struggle. Coming clean and being yourself sometimes costs you friends. Respect. Certain privileges you may have been been used to.

Your own flesh and blood may think you strange. May not understand why you march to an entirely different drum.

But it is so much easier in the long-run.

I know how much happier I am when I let my curls run free. When I fawn over pretty hair accessories and brooches. When I watch Little Women for the umpteenth time. When I dance in bookstores. When I potter in the garden. When I go National Trust-ing. When I sit with friends drinking tea and knitting. When I relish quality conversation and the fusing of hearts. When I choose to celebrate my birthday with a vintage tea party.

And when I do it all in my own uniquely British way.

I can sometimes feel the effervescing within me as my heart bubbles over with joy.

I used to try and swallow it down, hoping no-one would notice much more than a hiccup. But now? I've given up fighting it. Making peace with myself is healthy. And healthy is good.

Counting down little hallmarks of me - and giving thanks for the revelation of who I really am.

#206 The red sparrow on my coat 

#207 Browsing Red Velvet Art with the open-mouthed realisation that, in their world, cute is very, very in

#208 Brainstorming for a pop-up shop and buying Craft Inc. to read up on the reality behind the dream

#209 Spirals that won't behave and insist on falling everywhere

#210 Tea and cupcakes ('Dad's Favourite Apple', with scarlet and white swirls) at the Buttercup Cake Shop

#211 Glowing after delicious Thai food and much laughter with my church family

#212 Dresses with doily collars and notebooks with pretty birds

#213 Secretly planning what a friend has nicknamed a "love cake" (homemade banana bread for my beloved, who's got a hard week ahead)

#214 Leaving a little bit of my heart on favourite blog posts

#215 Hunting secretary dresses on Etsy

PS: 50 posts and counting :)