Re-post #4: Maybe I'll try again

Maybe I’ll try again

June 3, 2008 

What am I so afraid of? Making a mistake? Check. A perfectionist by nature who’s her own worst critic, I loathe revisiting a piece of my writing only to find it makes me cringe. Silly, childish thoughts that would never win a Pulitzer. That would never encourage anyone, change their life, or even just plant a seed. Too cute. Too serious. Too descriptive. Too bland. Too confessional. Too…typical.

But does that matter?

I love words. Unsurprisingly I’m an editor. (Well, an editorial assistant — I’m thinking ahead!) I love the way they come together to form intricate structures that can unleash the strongest emotions. Words can soothe and comfort. They can frustrate and hurt. They can draw someone in or push them away. Words have power.

So why am I so reluctant to write? 

In bookshops I see row upon row of titles, from the classic to the obscure. All these people have written a book. They have put pen to paper, finger to keyboard. They have taken their chance. They have faced rejection, ridicule, criticism, setbacks of all kinds. But they have taken their chance. The result? A published book. The sweet payoff? Not the fame (at least, not for me) but the legacy of leaving behind a little piece of yourself.

As a Christian I strive to think eternally, to not get too attached to this temporal world. But the idea of leaving something of me behind, of harnessing my words for God's glory, still appeals.

Some books are better than others. Some are classics, some produce strong polar reactions, some are loathed. But all of them are a reflection of the writer. Perhaps not their whole being, but a part of them. During a particular moment of time perhaps. When they were feeling powerful, vulnerable, happy, sad, quirky. And there’s something beautiful about that, even if the final outcome is somewhat unsatisfactory.

So maybe I’ll try again. Instead of starting afresh, maybe I’ll stick with this. A tweak here and there, and onwards I shall go.

Maybe this time I’ll succeed. Maybe I’ll disappear again, and re-emerge in 2010. But surely it’s worth trying. All great achievements start with a simple step. Here is mine. 

And if my “great achievement” is simply making peace with the inner voice that God chose to bestow upon me … well that's okay.