Facing the blah

Yesterday my work computer had 18 viruses. Our technical support seemingly got rid of them. This morning they came back. And my notebook's gone missing - I rummaged in the bins to see if the cleaners had accidentally thrown it out. But nothing. Nada. I know I left it on my desk last night in the usual place.

It's one of those days. In addition to the setbacks I feel tired, ill and just want to go home and hide under my duvet. My colleague remarked that all the bundling on of wooly jumpers and eating of comfort food that autumn brings is reminiscent of bears getting ready to hibernate. Hibernation sounds good right about now.

The viruses and lost notebook are annoying. But they're just the sprinkles atop a big cake of blah (or apathy). For months I've been avoiding things that need to be dealt with. Decisions about love and work that need to made. A room that needs to be cleaned - I'm not 16 anymore but my room screams otherwise. A body that needs to be taken better care of. Family and friends who need quality time, not just a rush of words here and there.

Change needs to come and I know it. I ask God for it all the time. But do I want it enough? Am I truly desperate for it?

My constant aversion to facing the blah that my life has become would imply "no".

I don't believe in good works. And I do believe in a sovereign God who has ordained my every step. But that doesn't absolve me of taking responsibility for my actions. Many Biblical breakthroughs followed a first step from the ones in need of deliverance. Abraham tied up Isaac and raised the dagger. Ruth left behind everyone and everything she had ever known. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego entered the roaring furnace. Daniel went into the lions' den. They all acted in faith before God intervened.

So what's my first step? Where do I begin? I sometimes kid myself that perhaps my first step would be easier if it was more dramatic. A roaring furnace versus sorting out a pile of books? The latter is almost too boring too comprehend. But whatever excuses I give, it all boils down to one thing. Trust in God. Belief that what He has ordained is good and perfect even it first hurts us. Breaks us. Threatens to kill us.

Sometimes we sit in the middle of the blah, even though we know it's eating away at us, because we delude ourselves into thinking that it's safer than change. Sitting still is easy. Sure it kills us on the inside. But it's easy. It requires very little trust. We walk the same path we always have. And this path can look very different to people. It can be a path of staying in the same job. Or staying in I-love-you-but-I-will-still-spy-on-you-to-make-sure-you're-not-hurting-me limbo with a loved one because you falsely believe it will protect you. Or constantly choosing the comfort and noise of a television over reading the Word or pursuing a craft.

The truth is, it's this sameness, this "blah", that's frightening in the long term. It distances us from God. And change still eventually comes - whether we like it or not. We could nest in our job for 10 years and then be made redundant. The loved one we never allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to could be taken from us. We could suddenly be made horribly aware of the hours we've wasted on worthless comfort-entertainment.

I say this not to provoke fear but to encourage trust. To point out that we cannot protect ourselves. Not from change, not from hurt, not from death. All three will come to us in one form or another. But there are two ways of facing this - tolerate the blah and stay as we are. Or put our entire trust and hope in God - come what may - and live life fully, with integrity and a sense of purpose.

I hasten to add that a life fully lived isn't one that has travelled the world, eaten fine food, and worn designer garments. It isn't even one that has found true earthly love. It's one that has never failed to trust God, no matter what has been thrown at it. One that has never lost its joy, no matter how many times its happiness has been robbed. One that has continually glorified God, thanking him for the givens and not-givens.

It is one that has faced the blah, embraced change ... and discovered the beauty within.